February 27, 2011

Living in a self-spun web...

"The one complaint against both of you is that you are too sensitive", said a well-meaning friend, about Vijay and me, and advised that we become a little thick-skinned. When I heard this, I was embarrassed and felt somewhat stupid. Then I felt that perhaps it would good to be different from what we were. Perhaps we had indeed been too sensitive about issues around us. Perhaps it was time we changed our attitude towards the world, and turned into more 'bindaas' type of people...like, maybe, politicians? It would be nice not to be able to care a damn about the bits of injustice doled out to us everyday. It would be nice to ignore the mental, physical and spiritual filth; it would be great to be able to live for ourselves, and not bother about people around (and not feel guilty!). These things do bog you down...I think I would give anything to be able to do bring down the level of my sensitivity.

I came home after meeting this friend feeling rather light-headed, with a resolve to re-invent myself. Actually, Vijay and I have questioned this aspect of ourselves several times. Why are we like this? Why are we so obsessed with peace, rather than things like wealth and property that most people give value to? Why are we not ambitious for ourselves and for our children the way many people are? Why this care and concern, attachment and sentimentality?

But we seem helpless, for our sensibility seems to surround us like a giant spider web. The threads are soft, fine and comfortable, and it seems to have become our comfort zone. What's worse, we have passed this on to our children, as well. (Of course...how can they be otherwise?) Yet it feels many a time, very difficult and tiring being us, and maybe that's why it felt good when someone said, "be different".

But how should we get out of that web, which I have a feeling we have spun ourselves, just by being what we naturally can be? Is it possible to be different? If yes, is that difference for the better? Are we doomed to live with our sensibility? Or is 'doom' the wrong word in this context after all?

6 comments:

Mayank Bhatnagar said...

I am not sure if this is all about sensitivity, I think it is also about having good 'values' and believing in them, mixed with a bit of illusion about this world being a just or fair place!

Sadhana Ramchander said...

Mayank...forget about this writeup. It was a reaction to something someone said. I was mad and couldn't express it in a balanced way.

Arundhati Jayarao said...

Sadhana-

I read this blog- and my first reaction was exactly what you wrote in response to Mayank's comment! This is not you - I mean the writing is definitely not you-this did sound like a knee-jerk reaction- but I think your reaction is perfectly rational! It happens to each of us- the odd comment (innocent or wanton)finding a sore spot! I like it that you resort to writing out your anger - that is a great outlet!

Sadhana Ramchander said...

Arundhati...now that it has passed, I think I can talk about it. This was our auditor telling us to sell off our flat in Kaundinya (like Murali anna did) and buy another place in Gachibowli, move out, and forget about all that happened. This hurt me very much because as you know, we have invested a lot on this place, in terms of love and care, in the last 10 years. We have been through a lot, and we are trying hard to make this a good place to live in, and my children have come to love living here.

Arundhati Jayarao said...

ah-ha - the so-called sane financial advisor! Yes- what do they know of sentiments - it is cold cash for them! ! that speaks for their feelings! Of course, you have every right to be hurt! Vijju and you have invested THE MOST in Kaundinya- other than the despicable trash can -I don't see any problems with your place at all- moving out from there would break your heart and understandably so! The Siruguri family is fortunate to have you as their daughter-in-law!

Sadhana Ramchander said...

Thank you, Arundhati, for understanding the situation. We continue our efforts to get rid of the garbage can. One day, hopefully, it will go.